When Perimenopause Changes Friendships

One of the most unexpected parts of the perimenopause journey for me hasn’t been the irregular periods, the rage, the brain fog, or even the emotional dysregulation. It’s been the impact on some of my friendships.

Before perimenopause, I could juggle a lot more

I could manage parenting, work, college, my household, friendships, and whatever else that life decided to sling my way. These days, there are times when simply making it through the day feels like enough. What I’ve learned is that hormonal changes don’t just affect our bodies. They affect our capacity, our bandwidth, if you will.

There are seasons when I am fully engaged with my friends. I answer texts, I check in, celebrate their wins, support them through their obstacles, and genuinely enjoy staying connected with them. Then there are other times where the overwhelm is so real that even responding to a simple text message can feel like one more thing on an already overloaded plate.

That doesn’t mean I love my friends any less

It means that I’m trying to manage emotional fluctuations, brain fog, inner turmoil, anxiety, and countless invisible symptoms that often accompany perimenopause. Sometimes I need a few entire days to build up my social battery before I can show up as the friend that I want to be.

Unfortunately, not everybody understands that. Some people interpret my delayed responses as disinterest. Others assume that my distance means the friendship is no longer important to me. I’ve had friends and family members express frustration when I don’t respond quickly enough or engage the way that I once did. Some have even reevaluated our relationship because of it.

I can't be everything to everyone, all the time

I do understand their perspective. We all want to feel valued by the people we care about. But I’ve also had to learn an important truth: I absolutely cannot be what everyone else needs me to be if I’m not first being what I need to be, for myself. If my emotional regulation is hanging on by a literal thread, if I’m struggling with hormonal rage, if I’m exhausted from another night of poor sleep, I am not going to show up well for the people I love. Taking care of myself isn’t selfish in those moments, it’s necessary. It’s survival sometimes, too.

The friendships that have weathered this season best are the ones built on understanding. The friends who know that a delayed response isn’t rejection. The ones who don’t take my temporary withdrawal personally. The ones who recognize that sometimes life requires us to give one another a little grace.

Not all friendships survive these hormonal years, and that can be quite painful

But I think that perimenopause has taught me something valuable about relationships: real friendship isn’t measured by how quickly someone replies to a text. It’s measured by the ability to extend compassion when someone is struggling.

Many of us are carrying far more than people can see. If we can keep that in mind, both for ourselves and for one another, we might find a little more patience, a little more understanding, and a lot less unnecessary hurt during an already challenging season of life. I encourage you to communicate this to the people you love. Maybe the better they understand it, the less offense they may take.