What's Happening to Me? My Perimenopause Experience

At 36, something within me shifted in a noticeable and concerning way. My thoughts felt much louder and considerably darker. These emotions had sharp spikes that weren’t at all in alignment with who I genuine am. The thoughts felt like thoughts of a women I didn’t recognize.

I felt these harsh emotions in my body, my shoulders, my already clenched jaw worsening – something was off, everything was wrong. I shared my symptoms and its approximation to my menstrual cycles to professionals and kept getting the “You’re too young for that,” response.

Too young for what, exactly? Because whatever “that,” was, was real. Very real.

Researching the possibilities

I began doing what most of us do when we’re seeking to solve something within ourselves, I went to Google. In these late-night searches, searching symptoms, over-consuming Reddit threads, trying to connect these damn dots that nobody ever made me aware even existed! Then, during one of the earliest emotional meltdowns, as I wept to my mother, she casually said, “Well, sounds like perimenopause, but you’re too young for that.”

“The ‘too young’ response again?” I thought.

I replied, “What in the hell is perimenopause?”

I had never even heard the term, not out loud, or in whispers, either. Nobody teaches us that menopause isn’t just some little moment, it’s not an event that comes and passes peacefully. It’s a process, a long, complex, terrifying and utterly disappointing one. A prequel that can span years before actual menopause begins and starts long before your cycle ever even stops!

Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

It agitates my spirit that somehow, that entire chapter was skipped in conversations about women’s health. My learning about perimenopause didn’t offer me answers, either – it blindsided me, I was furious! I felt betrayed by education systems, healthcare providers and by the deafening silence surrounding something that affects an extreme percentage of the population! Unfortunately for me (and them) most of the women in my life had full hysterectomies quite young, so they didn’t have the language or lived experience to hold my hand through the nightmare of perimenopause.

But I had Tina.

Tina is one of the rarest human gems on this planet, and in my orbit. She has shown up in my life wearing a multitude of titles: confidant, therapist, life coach, best friend and thankfully, Tina understood perimenopause. What she offered me when this began wasn’t just information, it was strategy, acts of survival. She told me, “You have to become an observer.” Not reactive, not loud, but careful, quiet. To just observe it all.

She taught me to track these shifts and how to recognize my changing thoughts, watch how my emotions would escalate and how to keep my head above water on the certain days when I felt that I was in a literal war with myself in my own mind. Most importantly, she taught me to pause before allowing myself to assign meaning to any of those thoughts or feelings. She explained how critical it is to separate who I am, truly, from who my hormones are telling me that I am. Understanding this distinction has helped and continues to help my survival in this ever-evolving battle with perimenopause.

How perimenopause affected my mental health

Perimenopause doesn’t just impact the body, either – it hijacks your entire mental health realm. There have been days where I didn’t recognize myself, or my thoughts. Many days where my thoughts have become intrusive, conniving and absolutely terrifying which can directly contribute to some scary spiraling without the awareness I describe in this article. These dark shifts in feelings had me searching online for “Am I a schizophrenic, “quizzes. Yes, it was that deep.

As I approach 40 next month, I refuse to pretend that it’s gotten any easier. In some ways, the intensity of it all has increased and I have begun seeking professional help to guide me through the hardest parts. Despite the worsening of it all, I’m grateful that I’m not in the dark about this any longer, that I’m not still trying to solve some mystery of what’s went wrong with me. I understand far more of what is happening, how it’s happening and that brings me levels of relief.

When I started sharing about this on my platform, “The Courtnologist,” the responses were overwhelming. The number of women flooding in with the same confusion, same symptoms, same fears and the exact same question: “Why the hell didn’t anybody warn me about this?”

This is why I’m here

If nobody prepared you for this, if you’re feeling like your own mind is working against you for portions of evert month, if you’re dismantling inside and intrusive thoughts are scaring you, if you’ve been told that you’re “too young,” or having these serious issues dismissed at any capacity – let me just tell you right here and right now, you are not crazy and you are not alone.

If I can be a fraction of what Tina is for me, someone who offers to help you make sense of what feels agonizing and impossible, then this community space is going to do exactly what it’s designed to do, which is to help others feel heard and feel seen.